You Have Espada Living In Your Basement!
by reader713
Summary: Soul Society and their human allies are being informed of Aizen's new army. However, the description of Aizen's Espada sounds somewhat familiar... "Are you an Espada?" "Is it possible to quit as an Espada?" "You have Espada living in your basement!" Tatsuki Centric.


DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN BLEACH!

It was obviously just as uncomfortable for the ryoka to be present at the captain and vice-captain meeting concerning Aizen's betrayal of Seireitei. They were mostly there due to Urahara's insistence on their presence.

"…the Espada are Aizen's top hollows, arrancar to be precise. Which means they are hollows with broken masks and carry zanpaktos. The Espada are the top ten of his arrancar army…"

There was the sound of someone choking, and most of the assembled shinigami turned to look at the ryoka Tatsuki Arisawa who had appeared to have been dozing before her elbow slid, causing her chin to slam into the table as she proceeded to choke on air. Her companion, Orihime Inoue, cheerfully hit her back helpfully.

"Something wrong?" Yamamoto asked delicately.

"Espada…arrancar…" she appeared to be struggling for words "tattoos… hey pervert, can I use your phone?"

Urahara agreed only after she glared at him darkly and made a threatening gesture.

She proceeded to dial a number, holding the cell-phone to her ear "hey, it's Tatsuki. No, actually, I'm not calling to talk to him. Could I talk to one of those 'guests' he likes to pretend you have no idea about? Thanks" she tapped her fingers on the tabletop as she waited before straightening abruptly "yes, I did want to talk to you. Actually, she's been aware of you the entire time. You fail miserably at 'blending in' and hiding. Trust me, you do. My name is Tatsuki, I'm the childhood friend" she twitched, obviously annoyed "yes, the short one. I have a question, are you an Espada?"

There was complete silence.

Tatsuki was very still and then she calmly removed the phone from her ear and hung up.

"Well?" the Quincy demanded.

"I was informed he's an ex-Espada" she said somewhat primly "retired."

"You know an Espada? How? Are you secretly in league with Aizen or one of his allies?" Toshirou accused angrily.

"Is it possible to quit as an Espada?" Ishida murmured to himself thoughtfully, gazing questioningly at Urahara, who shrugged.

"I've never met them officially" she snapped "they're staying with a friend of mine. They seem to believe that no one notices them. Which, quite frankly, is insane and impossible since there are two people who live in the house who can see ghosts and only one supposedly knows about them."

"Oh!" Orihime clapped her hands in utter delight "do you mean the new friends? Ulquiorra-kun is so nice!"

"Orihime, he calls everyone trash. And he seems to practice some strange religion."

"But he loves my food" she gushed "we have tea together as often as possible."

"He…loves your food?" Tatsuki asked; a strange (almost sickly and rather green) expression on her face.

Chad and Ishida were also giving her disbelieving looks (that Orihime was oblivious to); clearly the idea was unusual and rare.

"You've been in contact with an Espada?" Matsumoto looked horrified.

"But he's nice!" she protested.

"Why was I not informed of these things?" Urahara demanded in a dramatic voice "whose new friends? And how?"

"Ichigo"

"Kurosaki-kun"

"The idiot"

"The baka"

"I presume you're all speaking of the same person?" Shunsui asked delicately, ignoring how Urahara seemed to be having a heart attack at the moment.

"Kurosaki Ichigo, my 'childhood friend'" Tatsuki explained, making quotation marks with her fingers "they're living in his basement" she dialed a number again "Ichigo! You have Espada living in your basement! No, Espada are arrancars. Arrancars are hollows with shinigami abilities. No, they're Espada. Ask them. Ex-Espada doesn't cut it" her eyebrow twitched "yes, you can go beat up Grimmjow, just call back immediately, alright?" she lowered the phone, eyebrow still twitching "he should be calling back soon" she announced.

"Espada" Ishida muttered under his breath "I knew there was a reason I didn't like them."

"Apart from that Szayel took some of your blood?" Tatsuki offered "or Grimmjow called you a 'pansy pretty boy wimpy four-eyes'?"

He directed an annoyed look in her direction.

"Are you sure they're Espada?" Yamamoto asked after coughing delicately.

"Perhaps they're just arrancars, spies" Mayuri asked eagerly, clearly looking forward to 'testing' the 'spies'.

"Chad was there when Grimmjow first ran into Ichigo" Tatsuki said dryly, gesturing to the silent male who was blushing slightly "according to him Grimmjow ended up hitting on Ichigo once he saw him. Said he'd been sent on a mission but Ichigo looked like more fun. Ended up telling Ichigo all about himself, including some 'egomaniac god-wannabee asshole' of a boss" she added "Grimmjow tends to tell Ichigo everything. I sincerely doubt that he's a spy. Stark is too lazy. He decided to rape Ichigo" she ignored Urahara's start as she continued "and ended up falling asleep. Ichigo was late to class because Stark fell asleep on him and was too heavy to move. Had a hand down his pants too."

"Szayel…" Yoruichi frowned "sounds familiar."

"That's the name of the guy who helped Karin and Yuzu do their science project" Tatsuki said dryly "the one that got national attention because it was so advanced for someone their age?"

"…and they live in his basement?"

"When they aren't sneaking into his closet or under his bed. Don't ask why, they thought it was hilarious about the whole 'monsters under the bed'. According to Karin they tried it on her and she ended up beating up Grimmjow with her baseball bat. She also managed to make every hit seem like it happened by coincidence" she looked smug.

The meeting erupted into chaos after Tatsuki's announcement(s).

At least it did, until Tatsuki blinked as she withdrew a beeping cellphone and opened up the text she had just received.

It was a picture…

…of Aizen's head. Following messages showed Gin and Tousen's.

It culminated in a text addressed to Tatsuki from Ichigo stating that his house had been attacked by people 'in black and white robes' and the fight had caused damage to his house. He was going to be staying at her place with his sisters.

The last text amended his plans, evidently he and 'some friends' were going to a hot springs resort. The P.S. (added by someone else) stated that Tatsuki wasn't welcome.

Tatsuki and the other humans went home. Since the war had been cancelled, they weren't needed in Seireitei.


End file.
